Why I Find The Night Infinitely More Appealing

November 7, 2009 at 10:32 pm (Uncategorized)

The last line has been in my head for days. Tell me what you think. I think it’s really bad right now but could work if I worked on it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I walk in the sun,
cold and blue in its rising,
the lights of the searchers
discovering the corpses of
girls drowned in the river.
The beams expose their
icy faces and empty eyes
to the cold blue truth
that their days of
life and vigor,
of sex and drugs,
of love and tragedy
are over.

I shield myself from the sunrise.

I walk in the sun,
hot and white in its peaking,
the lights of the stagehands
catching the debauchery of
actors playing a killing scene.
The beams expose their
fiery faces and hollow eyes
to the hot white truth
that their show of
lies and murder,
of money and sorrow,
of love and tragedy
must go on.

I glare at the gall of the noontime.

I walk in the sun,
warm and red in its setting,
the lights of the photographers
developing the bastardy of
humans as they really are.
The beams expose their
bloody faces and soulless eyes
to the warm red truth
that their life of
loneliness and suffering,
of cruelty and childishness,
of love and tragedy
has just begun.

I surrender myself to the sunset.

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5 Comments

  1. AJ Elicaño said,

    This is your “really bad?” :O Ghah. Now I know how mere mortals feel when faced with my prose. Joke joke. XD

    I think the concept’s great, and if anything’s to be worked on, it’d be the rhythm and maybe some of the word choices? Might be stronger if, for example, “walk in” and/or “shield myself from/cringe at the sight of” could be replaced with something that contrasts more with “surrender.”

    The sunrise one’s the strongest, I think, and the sunset one’s the weakest. Maybe try more concrete/shorter/impactful words (“corpses” in the sunrise one as compared to “debauchery” and “cruelty” in the other two).

    Perhaps “beams” could become “flashes?” It’s more dramatic and sluttier. XD

    Great use of parallelism, though. Super epic. And I especially love the “love and tragedy” line. Iz vunderful. XD

  2. AJ Elicaño said,

    Also, I love how WordPress thinks that “Broiled Polenta with Mushroom Ragout” is possibly related to this post. =))

  3. AJ Elicaño said,

    OOH OOH OOH. And if you use “that their days of” for all three sections, it’s a bigger contrast to the concept of night. :->

  4. Wolf-Boy said,

    Landi ng comments. You miss being an editor, don’t you? 😛

    All noted. Will consider all your comments (especially the Broiled Polenta with Mushroom Ragout). 😀

    • AJ Elicaño said,

      I’ve been intermittently missing being an editor for the past two years. You’ll recall, most of my Hilites time was spent being a rewriter, rather than an editor. :-j XD

      YOU WILL MISS IT TOO. :O :))

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